A blast at my ex GP

This is a letter i felt compelled to write when i put all the pieces together after my dad and I managed to wean me off the horrible bi-polar meds id been on for 8 years. I suddenly became less confused and had clarity of the steps that had led me to where i am today. I have had no reply and i dont exspect one either. The god complex squad all refuse comment when the obvious is stated. I didnt enjoy writing this letter but i was thinking of the rest of her patients. Maybe she will think twice about her opinions next time, but i doubt it.

your not going to like hearing this. I guess youll just not bother. I mean why
would someone like matter to anyone?

Ive lost everything because of how things have worked out. I came time after
time to try and tell you it wasnt bipolar....and to be frank was patronised by
you. Someone who i trusted and was suposed to have my best interests in mind.

I have something called ICU induced Pshycosis and ICU induced post traumatic
shock disorder. Its discusting whats happend to me. Filled full of psychiatric
drugs, sectioned.......not listend to...........not understood......passified,
patronised and judged....

Hypervidulance ISNT mania....you must think me some stupid denial ridden
woman.....and how dare you.....

Because of my crazy symptoms being medicaly stimulated through terrible
traumatic and repeated exsperience i am driven to dishcarge myself, run away
because i cant stand my own behaviour and would rather die than have such
treatment by those who are supposed to care for me.....katrina has known for
along time but far beit for anyone to listen to her.....she knows me.....is
astute...

because of my need to avoide hospitals ive taken hand fulls of prednisone which
you have prescibed willingly.......and now my body is wrecked after 28 years of
constant therapy............

ive faught so hard to live........and to have 8 years stollen due to false
diagnosis and powerful mental meds is discusting....you lady need to take a
good look at yourself......imagine a child of yours having this treatment!

Its not you alone ****** and i know your a good lady who thought she was doing
right...........but how the hell does that help me now?

Ive lost, half my family, lots of friends, my home, my dream job at treetops,
given everything i own away including my car, house contents and my BELOVED
cats.......and for what? Probibly shortend my own preciouse life......

AND been told im gradiose....had my intuition confidence and personality
removed.....WHY?

Disgusting.......repugnant.....brutal.........its not like i dont have enough
problems to deal with but to be shafted by those you trust WHO are supposed to
be learned just gets right up my nose.....god complex egocentric lots from my
exsperience but there are lights in this...katrina....densie....and thats about
it!

So you probibly wont have the balls to have the courtesy to reply....if you do
you will fill it with flannel....tell me your sorry to hear my opinion and
maybe i should get another gp on my return.....well trust me i wont stop till i
find a compassionate, educated, understanding person who realises the state i
am in. We all make mistakes, i make huge ones....but it how we learn from them
that is most important.....i hope you learn from this cos its cost me dearly.

thank you for your courage in reading this
sophie hudson
PS i will miss your surgery, ****** and the girls have made it all slightly
bearable.....sad isnt it when you get more compassion adn understanding from
the woman who answers the phone that the doctor.

A cry for help (jan 2010)

This is a letter i wrote to my psychologist in the end period of my misdiagnosis. Where id removed all bipolar meds from my daily meds and the symtoms of ptsd where very vivid and acute. I kept being told just go to bed.....in this letter i try to exsplain why "just going to bed" wasnt that easy. Its very frank, somethings i have never openly discussed...my technique of coping was denial and avoidance. Since the acurate diagnosis and initial treatments for ptsd i have had no nightmares, panick attacks or day time flashbacks! Peace for the first time in 27 years.

hey i wouldnt be making such a show of myself by probing for you attention like
this.......not ever actualy.......i find it degrading that ive shared and
shared and shared...........my deepest thoughts in some desperate attempt for
someone to help me.........this willingness to be so vulnerable all i have left.

If it was as easy as just going to bed...when i lay down i straight away go
into a flashback of just as they lay you down with the anethtist standing over
me......then i fall asleep .......then i go into the dreams wish are actually
replaying memories of actual events..........im on the vent...i cant breath and
feel the machine forcing life through me......i can hear the noise of the
machine.....i count the seconds between the breaths so i can try to relax with
the knowledge i am breathing enough to keep my brain oxygenated....i feel pain
in my foot as they do an open cut down and feel the stitches.....i feel them
slit my right rist and place a arterial line in.........at my neck i feel the
central lines....im naked.....i can hear them talking....about me....im
paralysed....but awake.......i cant move, cant open my eyes, cant even shed a
tear to indicate.........every now and then soneone speaks to me....i know this
cos they say, now sophie what were gonna do is....turn you...sucction you
tracheal tube.....check you vitals.....draw blood...they open my eyes and put
drops in them....they put vasolene in my mouth........i feel the sheet being
pulled back......im thinking oh my god my body.....they wash me and i die with
each stroke of the sponge......they talk about there home lives as they do
it.......the tube in my throat hurts.....iwant to swallow but i cant....i think
i hear them saying how much of an attention seeker i am....and i probibly
deserve it but i dont think this is real.......but the rest is.....then my body
starts to tingle....my feet first......my fingers....it goes on and on and i
cant wake up......i slowly keep comming roung....i can now open my eyes but
cant keep my pupils in a single direction or focus....so hard to do....then i
make a lunge with my right arm for the thing thats cusing the pain in my
throat......its a tube.......see now i know its a ventilator but when it
happends i had no idead.....i remember being so cold cos my tmepriture was so
high....they had fans on me and i thought what kinda hell am i in im freezing
and there trying to kill me with a fan.......so i lunge for the tube and start
thrashing at it as i cant actualy control my hand or arm much....the alarms
keep going off and i get scoalded.....eventualy they get pissed and they agree
to pull out the tube....and this is when i wake up......normaly 30-45 mins into
sleep.........i wake up panicking and i get up dress and run around to dads and
am so wired i cant sleep....dont wanna sleep...tell myself no one died from not
sleeping......tell myself i gonna get ill if i dont......i know i need help
asap...........i been holding all this in for 27 years....each time i go into
hospital its got more vivid the time ive slept gets less......the only thing
with the mental meds was i didnt get this dream as often....id get one about
not being able to find my car in the car park and wake panicking........or my
teeth falling out.......

I dont think anyone understands.......think everyone thinks im a drama
queen.......actually its everyone else underplaying whats going on......even
jules doesnt have the capacity to imagine the horror i find myself in.......ive
had a psychotic break before in ICU and i see all the signs going on right now,
today..........i am so scared......so very scared.....and ive not even
mentioned when i was raped by 2 men at Uni when i was 28...or the year before
when i got a can and was driven into the middle of knowhere and molested..or
the horrific car accident i was in.......or the violence i saw as a
child.......those dreams ive managed to cope with cos i dont have the stimules
in basicaly most weeks of my life.........

ive so had enough.......i dont know how im going on.....its miraculous....

so there......ive taken a chance and shared with you my normal nights
sleep....and a few other things ive tried to avoid........no wonder, its so
obvious to me.........i get so cross when friends give me trite simplistic
advice like ive not tried everything in my power.......so i hope to god my
dealer calls today.........i hate breaking the law......but i will do what it
takes to survive.......

deary me........ive contacted a well know hypnotist off tv...paul
mckenna.........its just instinct mixed with desperation........his teams
replied.......its being passed on to his management and they will tell me what
there thoughts are.............i dont really hold out much hope but its a light
at the end of the tunnel but it could be a train again.....

Jules isnt gona come on monday.......shes gotta sore ankle.....fucking sore
ankle jesus christ........god must be testing me.......whats teh next obsticle is there gonna be?

so thats me........on my knees......i believe your stuff can help me with great
practise dilligence and effot but i would eat soil if you told me too cos youve
never hurt me.........never.....

i just hope i can remain strong and now have the blanket of delerium envelope
me cos then im screwed....

sorry to be so graphic......this is no way to live....lord knows ive tried....i
just wish someone would proritise this.....if my sats were low there quick
enough to knock me out and shove a tube down my throat........feel like ive had
a broken leg for 27 years .......

Facebook | Sophie Hudson

Facebook Sophie Hudson

Hawkshead where i was born

I was born in helm chase hospital in kendal, my first years where in Hawskhead in Cumbria U.K. Brown Cow Cottage was my home. Its a charlimg small lakeland village well known for being where Wordsworth went to school. Its where my Grandma and Grandpa are burried and where ive been a brides maid for my aunty. Its on a little hill and comands fabulous views of the fells around. As you can see its very pretty but alas its been desimated by tourist and its own natural beauty making it a rime centre for second homes and inflaited property prices. There are few old locals left which is sad as when i was little we all new everyone and there were some real typical lakeland charictures around. Time has passed since then and its hard to go back and see change but the memories of my first 10 years are wonderous. Of finding mischeif under the watchful eyes of the community, of chasing fairies on the pathway to granny and grandpops house. I am lucky i still have the memories, i feel sorry for people born into a urban environment. I still have the joy of loving nature and beauty of my rural childhood! Its funny because rotorua NZ is very similar in landscape to the south lakes, maybe thats why i felt so at home.

Back home in cumbria

Ulverston, where im staying with my Dad and Auntry Rona is a historic market town. Its claim to fame is tht Stan Laurel was born here, also it used to have the most pub per square mile in england! Alas the Great British pub is a dying thing. Supermarket booze and the recetion has meant that 3 pubs close every day now in the UK. Ulverston has a well known market on a thurseday and one thing ive come to realise is that the UK makes some of the best cheeses in the world. This pic is of a store that sells scrummy hand made cheeses! The other pic is of one of my friends (Mel) whos been a great support to me and someone who didnt run for the hills when sharing my journey. We met whilst working in the same hotel and shes a keeper as friends go!

8 Days into PTSD Treatment

Well.............day 8 of acknowledgment of ICU induced PTSD. Firstly my sleep is starting to come back to normal which makes everything better, emotions easier to process, life more comfortable all around. My appointment yesterday went well, for a change! Instead of locking horns with the psychiatrist we talked about real issues not the mis-dignosis battle. Im tollerating and responding well to 25mg amiltryptaline, only using the 5mg diazepam (valium) for anxiety peaks and the 3.75mg zopiclone (sleeping pill) has done its job. Due to the chemically addictive nature of zopiclone we decided to pull it from the treatment plan and use only for emergencies and replace it with another dose of amiltryptaline. When we spoke of the valium, i pulled out the pack id been supplied with and showed her that i had 4/7 left. I think somewhere on my notes someone (maybe my mother) has told them im a drug seeker so they are very very unwilling to give me any controlled drugs. I could be wrong about that and it could be just the NHS trusts protocols to prevent addiction to prescribed drugs. Its just something my mother said to me in the torrent of abuse i recived via a random phone call last week.

So now my meds for ptsd are as follows:
2x 25mg amiltrypatline
5 x 5mg diazepam for high stress moments such as going to the hospital for my oxlair jab or going to any medical trigger appointment.
5 x 3.75mg zopiclone for emergency sleep retreval.

I have another appointment for next tuesday to continue my response evaluation to meds.

Ive been put in a different class/group of mental illness now. Bi-polar is seen as a group 2 mental illness. A severe mental illness group, with bed fellows such as schizophrenia and now with the ptsd im classed as a group 1 patient which alters the way im allowed to access the NHS help available. Ive been put in group 1 supposidly to speed up my access to cognitive behavioural therapy as the meds only deal with the symptoms. Mask the aniety but its the therapy which will help me find coping mechanisms for the actual causes. This change of grouping though affect my status for a social worker so ive had to change angle and use my asthma to get referal for help with housing and benefit applications. Whatever it takes huh!

Now the first night without zopiclone and exchaged it for amiltryptaline, well i went to sleep at 10.30pm and woke at 1am wide awake. BUT no bad dreams and i was disciplined to stay in bed and soon i went back to sleep. Zopiclone is highly addictive as is the valium where as the amiltryptaline isnt so im happy with the results. Cos some of these mental meds are just poison and the less i have to take the better.

So another day, well rested, chest kinda ok, anxiety pretty low and im just enjoying feeling a little more normal. Im so relieved, there have been times where i thought i was indeed pathologicaly mad, doubted every feeeling , every action. So its baby steps, baby actoion, confidence slowly being rebuilt. Its early doors for me, but im so glad i never gave up and i thank the god of my understanding for giving me the stregnth and tenacity to just keep on researching and askng pertanant questions.

MY NEW ZEALAND cont x3

MY NEW ZEALAND cont x2

MY NEW ZEALAND cont

MY NEW ZEALAND

What ive got left

Now i dont want you to think this is some long sob story. What i have got left i cherish. I have my Dad back after hes been lost in an alocholic wilderness for years. He came to stay with me serveral times in NZ and HE was the one that came and scooped me up and got me back to the UK. He would do anything for me and its a sincere and loving relationship. I am easy to forgive which sometimes gets me into trouble but with dad its been a diamond attriubute. So god bless poppa. Ive kept some awesome friends, really top shelf friends, who although may not understand compleatly they try. I have my CD collection, my Knives, 2 changes of clothes, an ipod, and a laptop. The Hudson side of the family which ive never really known have been so kind, giving me a bed and a roof and food on the plate. Ive met people online who have similar stories, have encouraged me to stand up with my interlect and science knowledge to the Docs and persue correct diagnosis. I try to concentrate on all the positives i have left. In the UK i can trial Oxlair (ant IGe therapy) that isnt available to me in NZ. So like i said, whats left seems to be concetrated and wonderful. Its only through loosing everything that ive come to appretiate the small things in life and i see this as a blessing. Im only at the beginning of my journey, its exciting to think of which direction i shall go in cos sure as eggs are eggs im not going to settle for being on lifes rubbish tip. I have too much to offer, too much to give, just need a direction which i will take time on deciding. No going off in any old direction these days. I have no debts finacialy but i owe much to many. Thank you to all that bring positivity and stregnth to my day.

what missdiagnosis has cost me

Im gonna list the things that ive lost over the last 8 years through my misdiagnosis and wrong treatment of a mental illness when what i had is a reactive condition to trauma and NOT an underlying pathalogic mental condition.

Firstly my family, my Mums side of the family have never understood why i wasnt just happy to survive what ive been through, they dismiss PTSD and have no wish to understand it, so thats half my family who are now estranged and have something i call "sympathy fatigue". I can understand it, I mean ive coped in my own way, been lost to mood staberlizers, antipsychotic meds and benzodiazipines for along time and it warped my personality. To be honest i was so busy working and battling the asthma to put a roof over my head and remain independant I didnt stop to battle the confusion or fight for my beloved family.

My friends, some come and stay, many come and go. For the preciously stated reasons. My behaviour is not always rassional but now i have the correct diagnosis and treatment I am hoping this will change. The friends who've stayed are diamonds, understanding and complementary on my charicture, bless them all for even trying to understand. Many of them have felt the pain of a lost sophie and been powerless to help, simply by being there they have helped and i thank each and everyone of them.

My car. I simply gave it away out of fear when i called Dad for emergency extraction from New Zealand. It was a Mitzi FTO and it took me 4 years to pay off, the medicaton meant id bent every pannel on it, lorazepam will do that.

My Career. As a gifted chef, my health meant i went through jobs, my treatments made what once was simple very difficult. This culminated in resigning from a beloved possition at a superlodge nr rotorua called "treetops". This loss i will always grieve for.

http://www.treetops.co.nz/

After Treetops I set up my own very succeful Gourmet takeaway and cafe called "Artizan". I made profit in my first year although i bought plant equipment and had a very dodgy landlord. I had a faithful following but on my last day of service i collapsed and had a respiratory arrest and a customer jumped of the counter and rescuistated me. I Asked my landlord for a 4 week rent break so i could heal and he laughed in my face so i told him to stick it up his arse. That was that! (pic of counter at top)

Then theres my cats, my beloved cats. Ive never married, i mean whod take on such a bundle of health like me? I never had the pleasure of children so my cats where my world and i just gave them away in NZ so i could run back to UK.

What else is there to loose you may be thinking. Well I lost my life in my SPiritual home of New Zealand. My beautiful rural home, my medical health team, coutnless thousands of dollars trying to find private answers, and just gave all my possetions id worked so hard to gain and been very choosey as im a skint flint, i just gave everything away.

I bought a ticket to NZ last week. One way ticket to retrieve my life but it seems the damage has been done, i cant work anymore in catering due to my phsyical state, have no way of supporting myself and the friends i may or may not go to live with are unsure now because of how theve seen me on all that crap medication i should never have been on. My options are to fly back to NZ and hope i can work something out or stay in Cumbria UK and go on the council house list and be a benefit woman for the rest of my life. What a choice to have to make after working to hard and induring so much.

I really dont know what i should do. My flight is for 25 Oct 2010. I have time to think, but truly i dont know which way to turn. For me its about damage limitation now. There are pros and cons to both options so its a day at a time. Try not to be resentful for whats happend but i feel someone should pay for whats happend to thing gragarious, carefree, tallented chef, this broken woman. Will I ever get back to where i was? Im not sure, all I know is im stronger for it all.

thanks for reading. Please post any comments i am interested in your feedback.

uk help for PTSD information

http://www.assisttraumacare.org.uk/

an awsome charity with a help line, info packs and subsidised therapy vailable for those whove suffered from trauma. Do you not sleep well? Suffer anixety and/or panic attacks? Depressed? Flashbacks? Nightmares? Feelin of being "wired" all the time?

Ive lost much to misdiagosis of bipolar when it was icu induced post traumatic stress disorder, there is help, this was my first port of call and they gave me awesome support.

Mania(bi-polar symtom) & Hypervidulance (PTSD symptom) may seem similar to the un-educated but are very different. The treatments VERY different.

KYLIE is the mest medicine

You know i dont know what it is about Kylie. I just dont know, im passed the point of embarassment. For me its about production values, about bubblegum pop, about relief from the darkness of my circustances. Nothing else ive found works quite like smiley kylie. I wouldnt mind but when she first came out i wasnt really very fusted.....i was far too serious about music....and then came the impossible princess album and i was hooked. Did it again, breath just a couple of the songs that rang in my head. I saw changes of direction and creative originality all in a sassy easy to access package. Of course this all culmintaed in seeing her in Aukland may i think 09. I was this time so in the grips of misdiagnosis and bi-polar medication i only remember knee high red boots and a hair style i wasnt sure of, the rest i had to watch the dvd to know what id actualy seen. Non of my photographs came out well, a dot, blurry on the horizon. But i know i was there. See ptsd ment that crouds caused me great anguish, so had to load up on dreadful lorazepam to even get to cuing stage. So as hospitals, anything medical triggers my stress reaction, cos it was ignored for 27 years I get intense feelings of panic. I think of kylie, i think of her as my alter ego, its me up there, prancing, dancing and being sassy. When she sings i believe in you, shes singing it to me. Giving me confidence to sit and not run. I mean wot would i do without my ipod. And this is one indulgence that has no side effects and makes me pretty easy to buy for at Christmas. Kylie is better than any pill or potion.....and she beat her cancer with more digntiy than i could ever muster. So for me i will always love Kylie for without her i think i would be lost in some locked unit, when after all there is nothing pathalogically wrong with my mental status. Ive only reacted intelligently to obsurd circumstances. I mean 1 in 3 people die in ICU, 1 in 5 die on the mechanical ventilator and me well 100+ ICU admissions and 15+ mechanical ventilations so you do the maths.... So its kylie kylie kylie for me! Sends my spirits soring, gives me my armour for the ongoing fight to get correct medical treatments, because modern medicine is sadly lacking in many areas one of them being compassion another time and another caring.....im more than just a file....or in my case 3 files.......to think they locked me in a mental unit....drugged me for 8 years so i couldnt protest......after all that fighting against the odd....and yet i flourish and grow only stronger.......and kylie has never left my side....even upon waking in ICU after surviving yet another attack my laptop is at my side and my Dvd's and MP3's await so i can distract myself from the smell of death all around me.........i just with you all had your own Kylie in your life......she really has saved me......so for me this picture of brits 2002 blue monday mix is the empitomy of how i would like to be......crisp, alluring, attention to detail and delivering........god bless you Ms Kylie Ann Minogue, even if you are half Welsh! WE only have one thing in common and thats being gemini's.........i pray that your 5 year tests show your all clear and that this man is the one. I carry you always.

http://www.kylie.com/home

kylieminogue

kylieminogue

am now following kylie on twitter!!!!!!!! is there no end to my faithful following of this poptastic princess?

kindness of strangers

this was the cleaner, she showed me great kindness, i normaly find that its those axilary staff are the ones with the most kindness and nursing skills. After all compassion and kind words are the most powerful medicine ive found. I will never forget this lady, she saved me when i was on my knees

crap doc #2

This doctor left me in a side room and wouldnt help me with the pain of pneumonia, busted intercosted muscles because she thought me a drug/attention seeking addict. See how quick she is to smile at the camera??!!?? She sewed in an arterial line without local........and tried to convince me i was mad....when all i needed was help for ptsd hospital related anxiety. She wouldnt speak to my pshycologist as she was private and hence deemed not part of my health team. Bitch!

Crap Doctor NZ

This is a psychiatrist called andrew. He had a tissot watch i remember, in 10 mins he worked out i needed to be in a secure unit although i was not of harm to myself, anyone else, and was perfectly justified in how i felt. He ended up bullying me into allowing a volountary section in a secure unit. To this day I still dont know why. AND considering i have a hospital phobia and ptsd caused by traumatic hospital events it was the worse thing he could do. The fact this man, a supposed exspert could not tell teh difference between hypervidulance/hyperarousal and mania is beyond me. BUT hes the one with the tissot watch and ive lost everything. Hes a tosser! How hes in his job i will never know but i will be making a formal complaint against his actions on my return to NZ in October of this year. He may be smiling here but im going to remove his smug grin with honesty and dilligence.

a not so god time march 09

left in a corner and ignored with just an oxygen tank. Thats what you get for being chronicaly ill and labelled bi-polar, also being smart...tossers

sophie "golden balls" Hudson

When i was well but still in difficulties fighting the misdiagnosis of bipolar. But i always have a smile.....this is my good morning world face :)