The Path

ok..... I am going to be open, whilst you sleep a rest and reboot I shall write you a story.......of course it must start "once upon a time, in a land far far away there was a girl called aroha....this was a girl who was extraordinary and very normal all at the same time...she felt special and sub average in equal balance....she had a wicked step farther who needed her mother at any cost...and her daddy well the police came and took him away when she was younger...and although aroha had a special connection with her poppa the self medication he needed to cope with his feeling meant there special relationship dissolved as quickly as a cube of ice in a scotch on the rocks....so aroha new she had one thing she could do well....through her hands she could move food around and put it in her cauldron and make brews which when eaten would bring joy, wide smiles, positive adoration and money....the wicked stepfather and her newly married mother new of her gift and tried to chain her to the golden goose and the cauldron so they could live happily ever after...but aroha had a need to fly...and one day she just walked out of the door into the world...aroha felt the draw of the world and its pull gave her the strength to stand alone even though she was so young.....years passed and illness came and went for aroha....she was used to it....she had been that way since she was born...but aroha just needed her kitchen knives and her prescriptions and off she went....but the harder she worked to gain the adoration of the audiences the sicker she became and aroha didn’t understand the link....she thought, how could something that feels so good make me so ill? and that was arohas first meeting with her nemesis called ego....the cycle continued....travelling, audiences calling for encores, managers who would work her and promote her beyond her bodies ability...as all but aroha couldn’t see her gift and part of her charm was she didn’t know she had it...one day aroha had to go to her doctor....she called her in....aroha had been ordering too many inhalers and the doctor was worried for her.....aroha thought it funny her dr was called Watson....dr Watson I presume she always said upon entering the office...and she laughed at her stupid humour....cos aroha loved to laugh..she loved how her audience would send drinks for her, call her out and ask her to join them....when aroha walked in a room the whole room lit up and like dominos falling she would create joy with her twinkling eyes and dry whit.....but one day aroha had got more and more ill....the doctors drugs made no difference.....and whilst at work aroha collapsed just 2 weeks before her 21st birthday....aroha had spent lots of time in and out of hospitals and grew to hate them...she managed to split her brain from her body to cope....but that meant when she go to hospital she was very very poorly....the er doctors assessed her and even so sick aroha put a smile on everyone’s face but inside aroha was frightened but bravado was natural in public for her..she was moved to a ward and the meds still didn’t work....they put in more drugs and more needles and things...they ended up moving her to high dependancy..and there she new she was fighting for her life...she read a book to try and ignore the fact she could hardly sit up for laboured breathing was so tiring....it was the 21 may...only 4 days till arohas 21st birthday.......and then aroha saw the doctors gathering but had started to shift to a new more comfortable place...she was in High dependency but her pain was going...with each breath the fear left her....her head got harder to hold up....her vision narrowed and as the carbon dioxide rose in her system her mouth felt the taste of a carbonated drink....aroha was feeling wonderful feeling but could hear the nurses saying aroha...keep breathing aroha...and aroha thought bugger off this is nice this...my pain has gone.....i feel as light as a feather....she heard the words bleep the anaesthetist. Aroha now knows what that means but at the time it was foreign territory this experience she was having.....now aroha could feel herself getting floppy and the nurses hurried foot steps as aroha now understand the last sense to leave you before death is your hearing....but aroha didn’t care she was feeling better than she had in years.....she thought fuck you nurses im going to have a sleep im so tired ....aroha couldn’t feel her body now...she could feel the nurses move her limbs.....she could hear the pillows being thrown from the bed and the bed was made flat.....aroha thought that’s odd, chest patients shouldn’t be laid flat but aroha so comfy now she didn’t care really.....she heard a new voice...a man....they called him Mr not Dr which aroha now knows means the anaesthetist has arrived.....now aroha was lifeless on a flat bed....people running......equipment being wheeled to her side....a nurse stayed with aroha and every time aroha stopped breathing the nurse would bring her back to life....at first it was with the thorasic reflex point....and aroha not like that, it hurt and disturbed her from her special place….then aroha would drift off and return to the smell of rubber and breath being pumped into her body via a mask the nurse had put on her face…….aroha was oblivious of worry….she felt a pain in her arm….then in her wrist….there was an amount of pain measured with some bad language which confused aroha. She heard a new words, central lines, arterial lines, intubation trays, tube sizes…she could feel a measurement of the length of her throat….whilst aroha slipped gently of into the peace….the peace said hello and aroha said oh hello….who are you? The peace said hi aroha im a good friend of yours , why not come with me….aroha wasn’t sure…she was a born sceptic…..but as she thought her body feeling gone only her hearing left….she heard a call for the crash cart…..aroha wasn’t quite sure where she was now…..she didn’t see a path from where she had come….only one path ahead……she stood still for a while…all she could do was hear and see the dimly lit path ahead of her…..she thought ill just have a listen…..but the path moved under her feet sending her forwards at increasing speed….there was pain …aroha now knows this was several doctors known as the resus team….now aroha had forgotten she needed to breath and now the resus team took that responsibility from aroha….so aroha was free to see the darkness, she could feel the path moving under her feet but she felt stationary as the darkness was getting denser….the voice said you can trust me aroha come with me….aroha had trust issues but she was inquisitive by nature and didn’t fear much due to desensitization from her childhood…..now just days of being 21 aroha was filled with peace….maybe peace is her friend but aroha thought should peace be colourful not so dark……so she still hesitated….she heard the words form this odd creature the resus team….words like hypnoval, ketamine, diprovan, slow k and saline, magnesium infusion, saturation probes, ecg contact’s…what a funny language that creature talks she thought but she was so nosey for knowledge…..she didn’t realise it knowledge no decent human should know as a customer….the path felt well trodden though…..there was lots of noise now from the resus team……counting breaths, a dreadful smell of rubber….pains in her neck and shoulders as the creature cut her and stitched tubes in….on both sides of her neck on her feet too, aroha didn’t like that but couldn’t move….she looked for the darkness again as it was nice there….she liked peace…and peace seemed to like her….and then all the noise went away…..before she new it she had arrived at her destination….but it wasn’t…it was a large room with 2 doors….one which she had come through and the other door….she wasn’t walking but laying in the corner on a massage table….aroha being nosey had a good look around, she saw each wall was a different ice cream colour….pistachio green….blueberry blue…..raspberry red and orange sorbet…..there was much foliage…lush as if just sprinkled with dew….and a long rectangular pond…….the pond ended in a round pool with a bell in the centre….she quite liked it here but didn’t like the fact she had only a towel to cover her modesty….she was very body conscious as her mother had programmed her to be……she looked at door number 2 and though oooh…and every time she looked at that door she wanted to go through….she new the road which door 1 had brought her here and she was a girl who wished to know everything and try everything and the feeling she got when she looked at door 2 just thrilled her….she new she wanted, needed to go through that door but she wasn’t sure if she was allowed and aroha being programmed the way she was needed approval to do anything…just as aroha was about to get up clinging to her little towel a little man came towards her….he had a lovely face, aroha felt instant joy when she saw him…..he walked down by the pond….he was so lovely she forgot her manors and just smiled and watched…he walked to the circular pool and he found something in his pocket and he rang the bell and threw the contents of his pocket into the pond….to my amazement koi carp of all colours and magnificence rose on the call of the bell to feed…the nice little man patted his hands to get rid of the remnants of his fish treats and turned to me…..he had a white jacket and black trousers and a bow tie….he looked into my eyes and walked towards me….hello aroha he said…as if hed known her forever……hello she said a little awkwardly….lay down aroha he said you look a bit stressed…I explained id been on the strangest journey and I wanted nothing but to go threw door 2.…he laughed and said ahh patience young aroha, there having a meeting about you….how long she asked impatient to journey on from this waiting room…..ahhh well he said that’s the million dollar question isn’t it young aroha??!! Oh she said…..he said look lay down and let my give you a nice relaxing massage you look in pain….aroha admitted she was in pain and she lay down….the man so short he pulled out a step and got on it…..his hands made her pain melt away…..it was wonderful….laying in this room of candy colours…..with the smell of the lush foliage, the chirping of unseen birds, the trickling of water…..after some time aroha said look I want to go through that door 2.….she said she felt she was being messed about and had things to do…..the man calmed her…this went on again and again….until the little man who looked Polynesian to aroha agreed to go check……he popped of his step and went to door 2.…he knocked and a rumble signalled him to pop his head around the door…..aroha tried very hard to listen as she was nosey as the day was long…for all her wanting she couldn’t hear clearly just muffled voices…….he turned and closed the door and looked into arohas eyes…..he said they haven’t decided yet….you must be patient with these things….and so this cycle went on and on….aroha to polite and wilful to go back through the door which she came….she was quite feisty by now as aroha had a strong will….for her it was all or nothing and this static waiting room just was’t her thing although beautiful and serine…….on and on it went…..aroha getting snappier and snappier with the little lovely man, he stayed as serine as a god with me…..at last there was a moment where the lil man said right I think now maybe time….this time he didn’t just stick his head around the door he went in…….closed the door behind him….aroha was pretty miffed cos like I said she’s nosey….like a sponge to knowledge and life…..wanting to soak up everything she can…..after a awhile aroha was dozing…..acceptant that she had to stay on her bed….with her little towel…now she was very relaxed as little mans hands where like magicians……..she still wanted an answer but now she was like I said, relaxed….the little man came back through door 2 and he looked at the floor….he said sorry aroha but you cannot go through door 2.…what! Said aroha….he looked at her with sympathetic eyes and said …they have reviewed your case and they say its all well and good being early for your appointment out of courtesy but you too damn early…..you still have work in the room which the path had brought her through…fuck aroha said…..you mean after all this patience and me being so polite I still not allowed through that door?? Aroha explained to lil man, look I really want to go through that door 2...but the little man said aroha its not time for you appointment…..its just not done to go in there before your supposed too…its messes with the system….balls aroha said….they both smiled at each other with loving eyes….thanks aroha said….she said how wonderful she thought his eyes were, how peaceful he felt…..aroha remembered peace….she asked lil man…do you know peace…he frowned and said what do you know of peace?? she told him the voice she had heard …the reason she had found the path……lil man shook his head….he said peace is no friend of yours aroha….aroha looked puzzled….she said I thought peace was a good thing…lil man said was there no colours and aroha said no…not like here…..he nodded his head and said yeah that aint peace that death….he brought you hear to try mess the system up….he hugged me….said I had a good heart….he said they would meet again…but as she opened door one a little pissed off about it lil man said but not too soon, the system is important don’t come before your appointment and as aroha closed the door they both laughed and there eyes twinkled……..all of a sudden aroha was in the dark again….there was pain all around….she could hear but not move..like some nightmare….pain enveloped her….she could feel the life coming back into her body…….first her hearing…..she started to notice things….she thought I don’t remember this place…..ive never been here before…..she heard machines…..she couldn’t swallow….her body felt heavy….slowly gaining feeling from the feet up……..she couldn’t open her eyes but every now and then something would open her eyes and drip something in them…aroha couldn’t keep her pupils aligned…she tried to cry to show them she was hurting….but she couldn’t…then something horrible put in her mouth….ewww like Vaseline….eww aroha thought….she thought she was in some hell….she was so cold laying there naked…she felt fans blowing on her……noticed the things around her were called icu nurses….every now and then she could hear familiar voices not talking to her but about her…..odd stuff….catheter bags…oxygen saturations…there was a rhythm to things here…there was a beep beep and a suck and a blow….sometimes alarms…radiologists come and they moved aroha as her body was so heavy but aroha could feel everything but was her body couldn’t move…not even an eye lash…..she could hear and feel and that was it….then physiotherapists….aroha new then she was in a hospital….they would turn and rub and moved arohas limbs….flex everything…..they spent much time on her hands as her finger tendons had shrunk and her hands had started clawing….her foot burned and after the large time of washing and moving her and all the rhythmic things of this strange world…..well aroha thought she would use all her effort to move her foot….so that’s all she concentrated on and her foot was so sore….so was her throat….like burning pain….she couldn’t swallow and she wanted to…and during the physio and movement the nurse said look…her foot twitched….another voice said well we have the sedation low now….shell be ready for exstubating soon….aroha didn’t know what that was but was so relieved someone new she was there….not just her body but her spirit was back……the nurse came to arohas side and starting talking to her….telling her she was ok….that she had been very very ill and that she was doing really really well……aroha managed to flop an arm towards to voice and open her eyes a little although she couldn’t focus very much…..the voice told me she was a nurse called Wendy….the nurse called for help and other nurses came and they all agreed that it was time to extubate and too bleep someone…they all came and said hello..introducing themselves..aroha was in and out of conciousness but was so excited she could move just a little and could make them understand she was there as for some time she had been aware and frightened…..she just couldn’t workout what was going on but now the story of her body was beginning to be told…..time passed….they let aroha rest but aroha was now getting pissy with pain…..she kept grabbing at her mouth and throat….a nurse scolded aroha….and aroha thought fuck you……..they came and went and aroha drifted…..suddenly there were people around…..all happy voices….hi said this happy voice….im coming to get rid of that nasty tube in your throat…thank fuck for that she thought…..now they laid her flat but aroha not like that……and she started to struggle…they were all very very nice and calmed her down and said itll only last a few moments….and aroha felt a tug on her throat and a burning pain then pop…she could swallow again…..very croakily aroha said hello …her grin was wide and drugged on sedation….oblivious to time …..or her bodies journey……aroha said when’s my birthday as she felt like she hadn’t been away very long but at the same time she new shed been on a long journey…….the nurses sitting her up as she was still very floppy….the nurses said oh aroha darling your birthday was 3 weeks ago….WHAT! Your winding me up aroha said…she couldn’t get her head around that and thought them liars…..but when her mum came she told her firstly oh aroha….your back….with relief in her voice…aroha just beamed with pride and joy…..she croaked hello mum….her mum and the wicked step farther came close, pulled up chairs and her mother wept with happiness….aroha said why you crying…and her mum said do you not understand how poorly you have been…well aroha said nope I been in that weird waiting room place….her mother started to tell her….firstly aroha noticed that all the colours where so bright…….aroha her mother said sternly…oh sorry I drifted off aroha said giggling like a drunk …the nurse came to check on her….she spoke to arohas 2 visitors….lots of questions….how long she been awake…stuff like that……aroha kept giggling and the nurse laughed and pulled her leg….aroha you still on the happy drugs huh love…?? Aroha giggled and the nurse and her eyes connected and twinkled….her mum said to the nurse she wont believe us when we tell her she’s been so poorly….the nurse said its normal…she’s still got heavy duty anathetics in her system…..the nurse said lets turn the bed around to show here all the lines and machines she attached to…so they did…aroha swearing like a sailor and laughing loud….then she felt silent…rows of drips…stiches on her shoulders with multi line connectors on each….an arterial line sticked in to her wrist…thed removed the one in her foot as it was infected…..aroha still couldn’t work it out….but slowly things were told to her…..they brought her a paper to show her the date 21st of june….Woe arohas brain couldn’t cope……she started to feel panic…she went in and out of conciousness…resting….highlight being food time….the nurse came and whipped back the curtains and said right you….food time wot you fancy?? Cheekily aroha said wot you got?? Aroha said she felt like she wasn’t hungry but the nurse said no we going to pull your nasal gastric tube today….you gotto eat so they can prove you can eat….they agreed they would have the decadence of a tangerine yogurt….the nurse brought the pot…..and a spoon….the nurse said do you need help but aroha said no surely I can eat that…it’s a yogurt dude…so the nurse gave it to her but aroha could co-ordinate her hands to open in and tears welled up with frustration and the reminder just how ill shed been…..the nurse gave her a hug…she said don’t worry poppet your doing really well….she opened the yogurt…she put it in arohas hand and made sure she was holding it then put the spoon in her other hand as aroha couldn’t co ordinate her limbs…she asked aroha you going to be ok? And through tears and laughter she said does the pope wear a white dress? The first taste of the tangy yogurt on her tongue exploded in her mind….she didn’t eat the yogurt to be exact, more smeared it all over hear face and her tongue playfully chased it…..who new yogurt could be so good?.

just thinking n writting

Hey fellow dwellers,
ive forgotton how many weeks into ptsd treatment i am which i think is a good sign....sleeping a bit all over the place still but least im getting some sleep huh....ill never forget how 28 hours sleep felt in the middle of a hypervidulance storm......ive met interesting people via facebook since i last spoke to you my blog.....like all things you had my interested compleatly till my butterfly mind passed onto my next passion......as always it comes back full circle and im back here to give my blog a little love....some of my posts have gone from ptsd to fight....the acceptance of what ive lost and what i have left...my goodbye to new zealand and my hello to where i was born.....then out of left field came the realisation that human rites are very important to me....i feel ive had my badic human rights violated when i was of no harm to myself or to others and yet i was made to "volutarily" section myself to that secure unit....i mean why did that happen? Starts with a misdiagnosis and ends in my fat mouth and lack of filters....i asked many questions for very long time and they were deaf and when i shoulted to be heard they said your nuts is this or a forced section and what could i do? So ive looked through sharia law on your tube, geert wilders, atrocities on both sides....supression on apostates, homosexuals, women, children....you name it ive seen it and im so desensitized to suffering now i only turned away once and that was a man literaly inforcing an eye for an eye....i learn what stoning to death means in reality....i watched, i felt sick, i look out of the window and think world what are you doing....i feel gratitude for i can walk down the street alone, with flesh showing, without morality police beating me for impropriatey for showing an ounce of skin.....i can drive a car which is in some countries illegal for a female...im allowed education which is not tollerated in some countries, i can marry who i choose although i choose not....so much i can do that others give there lives for in foreign lands....i have so many freedoms in this soveign country run by democracy...of course the politicians here need a rocket but least i understand the power of my vote and also lady gaga has come into my life....mistress kylie has a freind for me to share me with........i love popart/culture....some countries are so stoneage...i dont mean it to be a negative comment just an observation...so my head hurts and my virtual world is busy...my next hurdle is finding a home for me, maybe dad too and so i can get kitties to sooth my heart as humans dont do it for me like the felines do...kia kaha world , soph