The end of the dream, a new start

Where to start to exspress how im feeling. Maybe i will start on how my drug treatment for ptsd is going since its change 2 days ago. The 2 doses of amilytrptaline are ok. The night dose i get about 4 hours sleep out of. Not restful sleep like when taking the zopiclone, restless nightmare filled dreams that i wake from as if a snippers bullet just grazed my head. I get 2 hours blank sleep from the morning dose so i am settled with the though of 6/24 hours sleep, its better than in was and for this im grateful. I do have zopliclone if i wished to take it but preffer to process how i feel than burry it with medication. Ive burried how ive felt for too long and look where its got me. Denial and avoidance dont work forever nd the problems you end up with are dramaticaly bigger. I have some diazepam 5mgs for emergencies but again i use those only for getting me through any medical contact or severe anxiety. I now know i feel like this for a good reason. I feel a rage in my breast, the wound of deep pain, the grief of years of loss and sadness of being ignored by those there to help me. Its the loss of my cats and the life id built in new zeland that causing all these feelings. I just feel that there must be some justice for the mistakes that have happend in my misdiagnosis.....for i have lost much....but i will be stronger, lighter, wiser.....i will take time with my choices, with my friendships.......if i can get through all thats happend to me who am i to under-estimate myself now. I just keep thinking of the freedom i felt in NZ. Here in the UK i think of living in a box, in a row of boxes, in jeremy kyle land, walls so thin i can here the neighbours every movement. I balance it with the thoughts of new kittens and a fresh start. Im tired of new starts....learning to eat, walk, bath, shower, cook, work........again and again and agian....i tell myself i am worth the effort.....i tell myself my atchievments are enough to make 2 people content....but still i exspect more from myself.....i hold on to that ticket ive bought....knowing now i will never get to use it....telling myself to never say never....but i know the truth....i may as well buy a lottery ticket than hope i will be on that flight.....my dream is over........and now i wait for the new shoots of spring once more.....arohanui