Im gonna list the things that ive lost over the last 8 years through my misdiagnosis and wrong treatment of a mental illness when what i had is a reactive condition to trauma and NOT an underlying pathalogic mental condition.
Firstly my family, my Mums side of the family have never understood why i wasnt just happy to survive what ive been through, they dismiss PTSD and have no wish to understand it, so thats half my family who are now estranged and have something i call "sympathy fatigue". I can understand it, I mean ive coped in my own way, been lost to mood staberlizers, antipsychotic meds and benzodiazipines for along time and it warped my personality. To be honest i was so busy working and battling the asthma to put a roof over my head and remain independant I didnt stop to battle the confusion or fight for my beloved family.
My friends, some come and stay, many come and go. For the preciously stated reasons. My behaviour is not always rassional but now i have the correct diagnosis and treatment I am hoping this will change. The friends who've stayed are diamonds, understanding and complementary on my charicture, bless them all for even trying to understand. Many of them have felt the pain of a lost sophie and been powerless to help, simply by being there they have helped and i thank each and everyone of them.
My car. I simply gave it away out of fear when i called Dad for emergency extraction from New Zealand. It was a Mitzi FTO and it took me 4 years to pay off, the medicaton meant id bent every pannel on it, lorazepam will do that.
My Career. As a gifted chef, my health meant i went through jobs, my treatments made what once was simple very difficult. This culminated in resigning from a beloved possition at a superlodge nr rotorua called "treetops". This loss i will always grieve for.
After Treetops I set up my own very succeful Gourmet takeaway and cafe called "Artizan". I made profit in my first year although i bought plant equipment and had a very dodgy landlord. I had a faithful following but on my last day of service i collapsed and had a respiratory arrest and a customer jumped of the counter and rescuistated me. I Asked my landlord for a 4 week rent break so i could heal and he laughed in my face so i told him to stick it up his arse. That was that! (pic of counter at top)
Then theres my cats, my beloved cats. Ive never married, i mean whod take on such a bundle of health like me? I never had the pleasure of children so my cats where my world and i just gave them away in NZ so i could run back to UK.
What else is there to loose you may be thinking. Well I lost my life in my SPiritual home of New Zealand. My beautiful rural home, my medical health team, coutnless thousands of dollars trying to find private answers, and just gave all my possetions id worked so hard to gain and been very choosey as im a skint flint, i just gave everything away.
I bought a ticket to NZ last week. One way ticket to retrieve my life but it seems the damage has been done, i cant work anymore in catering due to my phsyical state, have no way of supporting myself and the friends i may or may not go to live with are unsure now because of how theve seen me on all that crap medication i should never have been on. My options are to fly back to NZ and hope i can work something out or stay in Cumbria UK and go on the council house list and be a benefit woman for the rest of my life. What a choice to have to make after working to hard and induring so much.
I really dont know what i should do. My flight is for 25 Oct 2010. I have time to think, but truly i dont know which way to turn. For me its about damage limitation now. There are pros and cons to both options so its a day at a time. Try not to be resentful for whats happend but i feel someone should pay for whats happend to thing gragarious, carefree, tallented chef, this broken woman. Will I ever get back to where i was? Im not sure, all I know is im stronger for it all.
thanks for reading. Please post any comments i am interested in your feedback.
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